Learning: Goal #8

Here I sit, a month away from when I first sat down on my couch after a counseling session with “George the wise” for advise on my failing life, and wrote a list of goals.

These goals were filled with adventure, and passion, and wild journeys I had always dreamed of going on. I sat so filled with determination. This was going to be the year things changed!

As I looked back over the list, and the blogs I wrote I began to realize; there was some change, but in most of it there was learning. Learning that meant even more than the changes.

One of the things I noticed that I had written on my list was “Learn something new about yourself”. Needless to say; I think I learned something new about myself each time I sat down to update this blog. I learned I could accomplish something, I learned about my family heritage, I learned that I was strong, that I could create things without the help of a degree... That’s a lot of learning.

I am sitting here trying to think of what great thing I accomplished this month that I can speak specifically about, and the truth is; I did a lot of things this month. But, I can’t put my finger on one specific thing. I can’t grab very tightly onto one thing and own it.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, perhaps it is writers block, or maybe this weather has got me in a tired funk.... and yet... I still feel like I have learned a lot. So, in review of, not only my month, but my blogging journey; here is what I have discovered anew about myself.

I made one of my goals this year to travel more, and I made it about as far as Humboldt County to see my family.... Never fear there is still two months left to the year!
Ok, that was cheesy.
Anyways, what I learned. I wasn’t necessarily excited to see the sights of Humboldt. Going home is usually only exciting as I get to see my family. Yet, what I walked away with managed to take me off guard...

Have you ever stood so much in awe of something, whether it be a view, or a piece of music, or a painting, that even the mere touch of another human being could cause you to fall to pieces? Have you ever been so filled that you feel you might burst open and cease to exist all together?
I learned that I will never find so much fulfilling beauty in any other location then when I am standing on top of the cliffs of Centerville Beach in Ferndale. I will never find a place that enlivens my mind with story, and creativity more than when I am looking out over that cliff, and watching the waves crash against the jagged rocks that seem miles below my feet as the cold wind tousles my hair. I will never need anything else on that cliff.
I learned that cold weather is my favorite, but I much prefer the sun to accompany the cold than the rain. Perhaps that is the result of my new adapted acceptance to country music.

I learned that my sisters aren’t nine years old anymore, and they are growing up into women without me...

I learned that twelve hours driving in a car is far to much time for my mind to wander, and dangerous things happen when caffeine is involved.

I learned that as much fun as blondes may have ... I am much more suited to be a brunette, and far more comfortable with myself in darker shades. I don’t quite think I have the personality to live up to being blonde. I was born with dark hair, in the dark month of December. That should say enough.

I’ve realized that changing ones look goes far beyond just changing a hair color. It means a change in lifestyle, a change in attitude, a change in wardrobe. People expect different reactions from you, different levels of intelligence... based on your hair color. You think I’m kidding? We loosely use the terms “Dumb blonde”, “Crazy red head”, and “Incredibly sexy brunette” ... ok I’m sort of kidding about the last one. But, as much as we may joke; there is really a part of people that believe those terms are real!
As much as I may go through my little fits of trying I know that I can never pretend to be anyone else but me. Something I have learned about honesty; I like it a lot. I can’t even pretend to like someone I don’t like. I’ve tried, it’s a really awkward experience.
Out with the blonde and in with the brown.


This month I was also greatly blessed to have the chance to see one of my greatest role models speak at a seminar... Sheila Kelley, the woman who created SFactor, the company I have now been dancing at for nearly a year, and am proud to say; I have roped my aunt into the ways of S as well (evil laughter).
I learned that this company is so much more than pole dancing. In fact, five minutes into her talk I forgot we were talking about a pole dancing class... because I was distracted by this woman’s passion, and dedication to make a change in this world. I suddenly found myself, again, so filled... Filled with pride for this company I support through the art of dance, and burning a hole in my wallet.
I learned about the destruction of sexuality throughout history, and cultures and why it is still allowed to happen. It is through this dance company She has set out to scream for attention, and demand a change.
I learned that years ago one woman, THIS woman, was brave enough to walk into a strip club and choose to see with untainted eyes. To find the beauty and light in something that has been labeled disgusting, and unworthy - that ‘thing’ being a woman’s body... Which has gotten us to where we are in our disrespect for sexuality. Because of her bravery, and passion she created a company that has given sexuality an identity... a name. A name that now thousands of women everywhere have found a deep respect for, and need to protect.
I’ve learned that great changes can, in fact, happen through acts of bravery and even crazy leaps of faith.
What if everyone found something they are most appalled by ... and found a way to call it beautiful?

I learned that I am capable of falling out of love. That I can lose love, and for the first time in a long time I can honestly say .... I think I’ll be ok. Hey, I don’t even need another rabbit to chase ... not that I wouldn’t mind one ... But, like I learned standing on top of that cliff side ... my life is full.
My heart is alive with so much more than any man I have ever dated has ever sparked in me. Perhaps it’s better off that way. Perhaps I am too much even for myself to take care of. The poor man who dares to date me....
One thing George the wise always told me (and I’ve failed to listen to it yet) was that when you’ve found the person you want to be with; they should think that you’re the one who “hung the moon”, and vice versa.
To be honest, I don’t know what it is like to be with someone who thinks I’ve hung the moon. But, that sure sounds nice, and I am learning - still - that I think I want to wait for that.... Unfortunately I’m still learning patience too.


I have recently been reading (slowly, but surely) a book entitled “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. In one segment Elizabeth talks about how her, and her italian friends spoke about how each person, and place has a word. A word that defines them, that defines that place. For example New York’s word would be “Success”. Rome’s word would be “Sex”. It is a word that thrives in every breath of that person or places being.

It got me thinking... of course... what is my word?

For years I can tell you what words I would have liked to associate myself with. Among them were words like; “Strong”, or “Dark”, or “Powerful”, or “Goddess”, or “Badass” ... depending on the current Angelina Jolie hit movie it varied. Those were words I would have loved to strut proudly.

I think I have been words I wouldn’t have liked to admit, or would have been ashamed to admit. I think I have been words like “Lost”, “Scared”, “Self Centered”, and “Broken”. I think I have tried to hide behind words like “Strong” or “Powerful” in times I have honestly been the “Lost” or the “Scared”.

I think life is a constant journey of words. I'm not so sure we are one solid word. Some words we are proud to claim and write on our foreheads, and some we’d like to lock up inside a treasure chest and throw into the depths of the sea. I don’t think it’s bad to be proud OR ashamed of certain words... as long as we own them. Like I said, I like honesty - whether it is pretty or ugly. I think the key to figuring out myself, my needs, my desires, my being has been a journey of embracing openly, and honestly my word of the season... or sometimes word of the five minutes.

Needless to say; I think my word this year is “Learning”. I think there will be a part of me that will always be learning, but this year especially I think I have allowed myself to learn.
I have been willing to look at places in my life that were ugly and embrace them. I’ve been willing to admit I actually like things I’ve claimed to detest my whole life. I’ve learned the more honest I am with myself and everyone around me ... get this ... I’m a happier person. And I don’t even have to be blonde!!


What if we all grasped onto our words without shame? Whatever our word may be at the moment. What if it’s a word we really don’t want to be, but we hold onto it proudly despite what it is going to tell us about ourselves? Knowing that; if we just hold onto that word a little while it will lead us to a better word. What if we learned to accept the hard lessons? To look around at what we hate to admit we love... and just love it? What if we all thrived and lived and breathed what we were created to be? How full can life be?

I've learned to be ok with learning.



"There are two kinds of people in this world; those who chase pleasure, and those who run from pain. Though pleasure helps us forget, pain forces us to hope" - Tenderness