Fire: Goal #6

Just expect these blogs to always be late, I'm tired of apologizing. Now, I keep telling myself that one of these days I'm going to write a fun, fluffy blog about going blond, or massive, failed attempts at surfing. But, for some reason they end up serious every time. Sorry readers, there is no fluff this month, perhaps next month... if my Dark Heart permits....



I remember that evening as the sun melted behind the neighborhood houses, and slithered off the black pavement. I didn’t care about the cold bite to the air that nipped at my nose, and my cheeks as I sat alone on an empty sidewalk curb. A pack of cigarettes to my right side, and a pile of his pictures in my left hand as I brought the lighter one by one to each picture. The pleasure that warmed my soul as I watched his face simmer under the blue, and orange licks of fire as I used its flame to light my cigarette was invigorating.
This, ladies and gentleman, is the darkest of my heart when I am provoked to shattering, heart break. I close off, find a lonely sidewalk, cigarettes, and fire. It’s been proven not to be the safest combination in my hands.
It’s usually during these kinds of lows in my life that I need a friend the most. It is also during these lows in my life that I want a friend the least.


Now, I believe in God, and have been told my whole life about how Jesus wants to be my friend, and God loves me all the time, and stuff like that.
I am about to get a little religious, so bear with me if you’re not religious. Remember; my target audience is YOU. Not the christians, and not the secs, (This is my new term for “secular”) only you.

Being “friends” with Jesus, and having a “relationship” with Him have been words I’ve heard spoken in the christianese language for years, and I have even spoken those words myself. Until I stopped to think about it, and came to realize; I don’t think I quite understand what I’m saying. I don’t know how to translate those words into normal people language. I might have been wrong all along.

Well, it’s the soul searching time for Dark Heart, and here is my conclusion. Actually, if it weren’t for my friend I am about to mention, and our very special relationship, I’m not sure I would have a conclusion. So, thank you Flautsy.

You see, I have this friend named Lauren. Lauren and I have a very interesting relationship, as I noted. Lauren recently sent me a text message to inform me that she was sitting at a starbucks in New York City, watching the rain flutter down on Times Square, while journaling to the sounds of Damien Rice.
I replied to Lauren to inform her that I hated her, and I did not wish to be friends with her anymore.
Lauren then responded with a simple reminder that I was a whore, and she was off to watch a free orchestra concert.
I told her the only place she could go was to hell, followed by expletives.
She then told me that I was a bitch, and she loved me, and I told her that I missed her, and we went about our day.
That’s when it struck me; I began to understand, I think, what it means to have a “relationship” with Jesus, and how that can even change over the years to mean different things.

I mainly began to think about the different relationships we have with different friends, or family members, and how that bleeds into the kind of relationship we ought to, perhaps, have with Jesus. The way I interact with God is far different from the way, say, Lauren interacts with God - this is a good thing. The way Lauren interacts with her mother is far different from the way she interacts with me - this also, is a good thing.
If Lauren were to call her mother a dirty whore, I doubt it would go over well, whereas, I would respond with “I love you too”, and my heart would go all warm and fuzzy.
Sometimes, I feel like God and I have that same kind of relationship. There is an understanding. I’m not always the most sympathetic person, but I understand where mercy is due, and where it is just being toyed with. But, still, sometimes I get that confused. Therefore, when God is trying to convict me of something, and I know it, instead of falling to my knees in tears, and asking to partake of His forgiveness, my response is something more or less along the lines of “&^%$ you”.

Then He sort of gets pissed off at me, and does something along the lines of shattering my hopes and dreams. Then I cry, and scream obscenities, and slam the door to my room. Then he ignores me, locks my door, and throws away the key. A while later I begin to softly tap on the door, and when He opens it I will come out sniffling, red faced, and bashfully muttering something like “Thanks for not letting me date him - I didn’t know he was a crack addict.”
He then says “Yeah yeah, I love you”, and we’re good.


This makes me wonder; maybe if we treated the relationship we have with Jesus - if that’s the way you choose to live - the way we treat the relationships we have with our best friends; we would know a little bit more of what it is like to be a genuine christian, and have a genuine friendship with Jesus. It’s so simple, yet so complex inside my head... being friends with Jesus... the answer was always there.
Now, I don’t go around screaming at the heavens all day every day, don’t get me wrong. But, the more I am honest with Him, and the more I just let myself display my feelings vulnerably to Him - the more I feel like I actually believe in Him.
Still following me? Great.

Besides, who said relationships of any sort were ever easy? Without a fight? Without hatred? Without anger? I think it’s the same with Jesus, and to be honest - I think he welcomes it. I think He’s ok with knowing exactly how I’m feeling, and knowing I’m being honest with Him about it. Anger is really given a bad name these days I think, because what is the best part of a relationship? It's the forgiveness after the anger. It's the beauty that flows out of that relationship when it's suffered and survived a storm. As I look at this honest relationship I now have with Jesus I realize that I am glad that I haven't always been so keen on the idea of being friends with Him. That I have been angry with His decisions, that I have yelled at Him, and that He has stuck around anyways.... kind of like a real friendship.

One day I was crying. It was over a boy. What’s new? I know.
The tears sort of came out of no where at a small group meeting, and since I am for some reason ashamed to show my face when I cry, I sauntered off into some dark corner where no one would see me. When, out of some mysterious black hole, Lauren found me. Lauren is very unsubtle about most things in life, so by this point everyone knew I was crying.
“What’s wrong?!” She screamed.
“Nothing” I squealed in a high pitch whine, as thick, muddy, black tears trickled down my cheek, and I pathetically tried to pretend she wasn’t there.
I smiled a very awkward smile, and wiped mascara all over my face.
Lauren blinked once, and gave me a wide eyed look that clearly said: “Do you think I’m stupid?”
“What’s. Wrong.?” She stated again more sternly.
I just stood there pissed off that I wasn’t being left alone in my dark corner to cry my shame away, and refused to answer any of her further interrogation.
Finally, Lauren just put her arm around me, and in silence we stood together in a crowded room. Though I was still angry - there wasn’t a necessity for words; She understood. And that was all that mattered. I didn’t want to be touched, I didn’t want to be acknowledged, but in my time of not being wise enough to know what I really needed; God sent Lauren.

There is a funny, and ironic thing about silence to me. Silence, to me, is actually a very loud feeling. It can be totally comfortable, or completely uncomfortable. Silence sometimes has a lot to say when nothing more can be spoken. It was in my irritability of attention, and in my time of vulnerability, and sadness, and stubbornness that Lauren’s silence said; “I know you’re upset, therefore I am not going to leave you alone. Deal with it.”.

Sometimes, I think Jesus gives us friends to remind us of the way He has been trying so hard to have a relationship with us. The way He would wish us to interact with Him too.
Sometimes, I need someone to force there arm around me, and make me talk about why I’m crying, even though I’d rather set fire to everyone in the room. Sometimes God tries to put His arm around me, and I try very hard to set Him on fire with my eyes. That’s when He reminds me, with friends like Lauren, that He is, unfortunately, God. And no matter what I do, I can’t set Him on fire.

And for the record... Lauren and I are still friends.



“I heard Jesus, He drank wine, I bet we'd get along just fine. He can calm a storm, and heal the blind, well I bet he'd understand a heart like mine..." Miranda Lambert