Glitter in the Air: Goal #4

I've found in life there are a lot of conversations I remember for a lot of reasons. The conversations that have entertained hours of laughter, the conversation that has stirred up butterflies in my stomach, and then sometimes there are conversations that hold this deeper sense of remembrance. The kind that plant a seed in your heart, and continue to grow even long after the planter has walked away.


About a month ago my mother, and all four sisters came into town to visit.

My sister Sarah and I went out to a bar one night with my Aunt and Uncle - yep, they’re that cool - and, in the course of our conversations, laughing, drinking, and being merry the conversation began to land on a more serious note. No, it was not the alcohol talking. Completely. In short; we strolled into the depths of the meaning of life, and what it all means in the end anyways.
As we neared the death part of the conversation.... My sister planted something I don’t think I will ever forget... I will let her words speak for themselves.

“When we die, and get to heaven I don’t think God is going to stand there and ask if you owned property, or how many degrees you earned, or if you had three kids and a big, nice house... I think He’s going to ask things like: ‘did you take advantage of the life I gave you? Did you LOVE people? Were you HONEST?”

I love my honest sister. Most of the time.

This statement rooted its way into my mind, and heart for a while, and I really began to wonder: Do I take advantage of what I have right in front of me? Do I love people enough? I think I'm pretty good at being honest, but then again... maybe not.
My sister set a challenge for me. One that dared me to relax, love, and live care free. Sounds easy enough for me, right? Well as it turns out ... not so much.

The late, great artist currently known as P!nk once wrote in one of her songs; “Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? Have you ever looked fear in the face and said 'I just don't care'?” This question obviously has a deeper meaning than “have you ever acted like a child?” Although I could spend a few hours diving into that one too... But I’ll move on to the point that’s in my head while it’s still there.
If you listen to the song (Glitter in the Air) I believe what P!nk is referring to is a close metaphor to what my sister was talking about, which is about letting go, letting oneself feel without reserve, love without compromise, “Look fear in the face and say ‘I just don’t care today’”. Not caring in a healthy sense. In the sense of basically saying “In the end, does it really matter?” No matter what “It” is, it could be that thing that is really stressing you out, that bill that can’t get paid, that friend that is currently getting on your nerves, that grade that just won’t go up, that STUPID boy that won’t pay attention to you no matter how frantically you bat your eyes, or (for the guys) that STUBBORN girl that won’t surrender her phone number (sorry dudley). Because, in the end which is the life God prefers for us?

Throw the "glitter", the "problems" in the air, and watch where it falls. It may take you by surprise. Watch all of the minute little pieces of shiny silver flutter all over the place until they all hit the ground, and don’t care how it’s going to get cleaned up, or out of your hair by next year. Essentially; stop thinking about how this is effecting YOU. Just appreciate the failing moment for what it is, the people there to witness the mess with you, the moment while you have it. The moment BECAUSE you have it.

So, now that I’ve gone off on that little tangent here’s my point; I couldn’t really set any high goals this month because, well, I’m a little behind on my bills. But let me tell you; those pole dancing classes are worth it. Now, that’s not to say I’m not completely without a goal. I am constantly finding myself discovering goals I never even meant to set.
What my sister really got me thinking most about was, basically, being happy even though life sometimes feels like crap. Being content.

Content.

That’s a nice thought. But, content means financially stable, happily married or in a relationship, successfully climbing the corporate ladder, and completely one and centered with your inner being.... right?

What if none of that ever happens?

Does that permit us to being discontent forever? So, after spending the past twenty-four years striving for all of this only to next have my sister part several dark clouds in my life; I decided to toss it all in the air, and start from scratch. I figured the best time to dive into figuring out what it means to be content, what it really really means and not just vomiting off words I really don’t mean, was to do it while I was completely discontent. Funny how that sucks, I mean works.

Without any gas money last week I drove off to the beach by myself.

I went to dance class on Sunday, and let myself twirl around like a ballerina as though no one were watching me.

I went to see the Book Of Eli by myself a little while ago, and pretended Denzel Washington was my big brother. Actually don’t tell anyone, but it’s kind of a secret dream I have.

I decided to smile, and talk to strangers when the opportunity presented itself just because...


There’s always something about getting out of town, even if it’s just an hour away, that makes me feel completely detached from everything that ales me.
There’s something about sitting in my dance class that is too much for me to afford that makes me forget for two hours that there is a world outside those big purple doors that I hate sometimes.
It is amazing to discover who can bring a little extra sunshine to your day when allowing people the chance, or vise versa, and
there is something about going to the movies by myself that allows to me become apart of another world, and story that is not my own. Seeing what imagination looks like through someone else's eyes and appreciating their view. Book Of Eli. Do it.


What I’m getting at; There are things in this world I've discovered that remind me that I don’t have to hate it. In fact, it is completely the opposite when I find myself focusing on what matters. There are things in this world that remind me that I love it when I choose to take a longer look at it. Things I want to take advantage of now - before it’s too late, people that make me smile that I do not want to ever get too busy to remember.

Here’s the thing I often forget; Bills will go away; eventually - and so will debt collectors (all it takes is a good shotgun). Jobs will turn up (thank God for granville). Boys will turn into men and notice me one day (at least that’s what my mom keeps telling me). People will always have bitchy days, but that doesn't mean we have to give up on them. One day I’ll go back to school. Education isn’t going anywhere last time I checked. But, when all is said, and done, and I’m eighty years old - I just want to be able to look back and say “I did that. I made sure I told that person I loved them. I was happy, and people knew who I really was. And I am damn proud of myself”. I don’t want to live with the fact that I procrastinated because I didn’t have enough money, or didn't go for something because it wasn’t the right time, or I didn’t feel pretty so I chose to be jealous, and bitter, or I lost good friends because I wasn't a happy person. Because, when I’m eighty - I don’t think I’ll remember how much money was in my bank account when I was twenty-four, and I don’t think my eighty-five year old (or dead) husband will remember the shade of my lip gloss when we met. All that will matter is that I did it. And I was happy. I said “Screw it”.

So, I tossed the glitter in the air and watched it make a mess.

You know what I discovered? It is easier to love people, and be honest when nothing else matters anymore.
I decided to smile and mean it without looking for someone to pat me on the back and tell me how strong I am for smiling. I smile because I am happy, and I want to.
I decided to love people because I want to, and not just because Jesus told me to, and, well, it turns out they’re not all that bad.
I decided I would rather swallow my pride, and be honest, and apologize for my mistakes (I’m sorry I almost keyed your car anonymous victim) than carry around hatred that slowly eats away everything in my heart that makes me human.
I decided not to be bitter, but better. I found that being content is not something one finds or fights for, but chooses.


A few nights ago I caught myself in the kitchen dancing to country music, and baking cupcakes. I know, it scared me too. But, then I realized ..... I wasn’t caring about anything.
I caught myself happy without trying to be. I found out country music actually makes me smile - who knew!! It’s crazy what one can discover about oneself when not worrying about everything.
Have I found the true meaning of contentment? God, no. But, I think I found I can toss everything in the air like a fist full of glitter, and even let it sit on the floor for a while without obsessively looking for a dust buster. It'll get cleaned up when it gets cleaned up.... until then I can dance around it, I can still be happy, and not live my life completely stressed out until it’s over.

I’m content with that.


“It’s only half past the point of oblivion, the hourglass on the table, the walk before the run, the breath before the kiss, and the fear before the flames. Have you ever felt this way?” - P!nk, Glitter in the Air.