Goal #1 "Pepper"

Dear friends,

it has been a long, cold winter season, and I have been through a whirlwind of emotions. I apologize for the slight delay of blogage. Yes I just made that word up.
But! Here I am back in full swing, and ready to conquer the blogging world once again!

And I present to you now.... goal number one



A dear friend of mine once said “There is a stripper inside of every girl”.

Yes, I’m back, and with a vengeance.

Now, I know what you must be thinking at this point; "she's given up on life and become a stripper - great".
Well, no, stop. Let me explain.

To begin with a little back ground information; A long time ago one of my friends and I decided it would be a great adventure to try pole dancing. We also thought it would be a great adventure to hunt haunted graveyards and just ended up scared shitless, but that's neither here nor there. So, we looked into classes, and did a lot of procrastinating. It was, of course, through the webs of life, and school, and work, and everything I am now escaping that this never happened when we planned it.
My friend eventually moved away, and I regret having never been able to have this great experience with her, but yes, I signed up finally for pole dancing classes with a company called S-Factor on my own, like a big girl.


Here is what I learned about S-Factor within the first couple of weeks I began researching, and diving into this company; Long story short this company was founded by a woman named Shiela Kelley. Now, Shiela was not always into pole dancing, she was actually a ballet dancer, actress, film maker - there's basically nothing the woman doesn't do, but as an actress taking on the role (ironically) of a stripper she found herself in love with the dance, but not with the label it was given.
After taking it up independently in her home, and getting into incredible shape, she slowly began teaching independently in her home as well. Well, one of her students/friends happened to be Desperate Housewives Terry Hatcher (Lois Lane to those troopers who remember). Terry eventually ratted Shiela out while being interviewed on an episode of Oprah, which inevitably led to this, now growing, pole dancing franchise.
What caught my attention for the most part was Shiela's mission; "Helping women become comfortable with, able to express, and own their wholesome sexuality. Seeing the world through the eyes of women, and making sure that our woman’s gaze defines everything we do and say and live"
A place I could be free to be a woman. To indulge in my beauty, and body, and sexuality, free of the judgement of what society tells me I should look like. Free to be me. How liberating as a woman....


So, why pole dancing you ask? Or better yet, as my mother asked "why couldn't you just try belly dancing?" Well, let's go back to high school. Back in the ice age, when I was in high school, I was not one to have very high self esteem. I was not the pretty cheerleader with scores of boys after me, I was never the confident, sexy, cool girl everyone wanted to be around to earn popularity.
In fact, the only identity I really had was "that home schooled girl". So, really, I hadn’t a clue who I was or where I fit in. As I got older, and began college I got even more confused about what life was really about, and I caught wind of this lie I fell for (like a moth to a flame) about how girls were suppose to be pretty, and skinny if they ever wanted a boyfriend, or confidence for that matter... well I just gave up, and developed an eating disorder.
Long, sad story, yes, and maybe someday I will write a book about it, but this is not the time nor place. This is about achieving not losing. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
So, through many years of never feeling beautiful, or skinny enough, long conversations with dear, dear friends who, tried (and some really did) their best to cure me, over a year of therapy with a wonderful lady, I really did gain quite a bit of my confidence back.
But, through all of the fighting, and falling I went through with this particular struggle- I learned something that comes very strongly to my attention now.... when a woman is told by society, friends, boyfriends, children, etc... that she is not beautiful, or just not enough... something inside of her dies. As women we have this very strong voice, and sense inside of us that tells us our beauty is apart of what makes us feminine. Our beauty is what knits us together as a woman (men pay attention). When that piece of us dies it’s like that voice we are inevitably born with that whispers “not pretty enough” from birth suddenly starts screaming “Life’s not worth living anymore!!!”. So, we try.... and god bless us.... we try so damn hard to revive that dead, or missing part of us again. In fact, we try so hard that we go to the extremes sometimes of nearing death completely, of starving ourselves, of trying diets that make us eat raw chicken or vegan beef, of going absolutely insane....to be pretty.
Well, let me tell you something ladies; it is, I believe, incredibly healthy, and important for us to feel confident in our beauty, in our curves, our bodies, and our sexuality, and guess what? That does not mean starving ourselves to fit into those size two’s. Some of us *cough*me*cough* will not ever fit into a size two. But, that does not mean, by any way shape or form that we do not have beautifully crafted, GORGEOUS, and sexy bodies!! The beauty is in how different each one of us is uniquely crafted, and not only realizing that - but embracing it.
After learning Shiela's story I realized it was everything I stand for, and I was obviously called by higher powers to be apart of the S journey. I justified it as an "extension of therapy" as I walked down an L.A. alley behind Jack in the Box, through the giant, cast iron, purple doors of an abandoned warehouse where the classes were located. I had to hack it. I was called.

*note to men; don’t worry, this blog will not be all about women things, I will add plenty of gore later, and honestly - you will probably thank me later for writing this.


I ran into my first intro class twenty minutes late, because, you see, I have this problem with directions. So, of course my blood was racing through my veins, I was nervous, and I sort of wanted to kill myself since I am little OCD about being on time. The bouncy, little dance instructor with bright eyes, and a huge smile plastered to her face turned around and greeted me like an old friend
"Hi! What's your name?"
"Uhm... I'm.... late" I stuttered, and stumbled into the small class room similar to a ballet studio minus the mirrors and plus long, steel poles.
"That's ok! grab a mat and sit down"
I instantly felt my soul begin to adapt to the new environment, and my breath begin to steadily slow down as we began warm ups with some incredibly relaxing yoga, and pilates stretches.


I was sold by the end of class.


So, ladies. Any of you out there wanting to search out a unique way to find not a little, but a HUGE confidence boost in your beauty, wanting to get a healthy work out (let me tell you, I felt like a goddess leaving class, even though my thighs and abs were on fire the next day), or just wanting to have a little..... no let me rephrase that, A LOT of fun, with crazy wonderful instructors, and just being a girl then it is all about being an S factor girl.


With that said, feeling sexy, healthy, on top of the world, and B.E.A.utiful I would like to introduce you to “Pepper”.
Pepper is my inner stripper, and she stands for supporting women in feeling comfortable, and beautiful in their God-given bodies just the way He made them - despite what the Taylor Swift billboard you drive by everyday on your way to work tells you.
In all seriousness, I have never felt so confident in my beauty. I know I am repeating myself, deal with it, but I cannot praise this company enough. Confidence was a thing I never, ever thought I could achieve. I owe it to wonderful friends, therapists, and groups like S Factor who make a point to embrace beauty in its rawness and honesty.

Then again, maybe sometimes it just takes a pole dancing instructor screaming “That’s HOT ladies!!!” in your face for you to believe it.

You are all beautiful, now go feel sexy.

Pepper is happy.

Goal number one accomplished, and still kicking!!!

Pepper will be back at the end of the month!

- Pepper



"I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart and be amazed. I want to hear you say; who I am is quite enough, just want to be worthy of love, and beautiful...." Bethany Dillon