Welcome to my life

It all caved in.

That moment where the whole world you've built underneath your feet goes crumbling from beneath you.

That's what it felt like at least. You know that phrase "Life never turns out the way you want it to"? No one ever really believes that phrase, not until life doesn't turn out the way they want it to.

For me, it is more like the story of my whole life.

My eyes were in a glossy haze staring straight ahead at the road that went fleeting past me into the darkness, and I could feel watery drops of mascara burn against my cheeks... It's a very safe way to drive. Emotional.

I should have been used to this routine by now; Life idea, set plans, build them up, get excited, three seconds from executing them: Fail.

My mind raced, I could feel my life draining from my body more swiftly than the puffs of cigarette smoke that left my lips, I tried to formulate a back up plan frantically. But nothing sparked anymore. Nothing made sense anymore, and I was tired of trying to force sense.

Is there such thing as a quarter life crisis?

I'll get to the point. You see, I recently suffered a great loss. I lost a dream. Since moving to Los Angeles nearly four years ago now I acquired a deep, and passionate love for film making. I LOVE being behind a camera, setting a scene, directing actors, bringing a story to life... it is essentially what my whole life is about; Bringing stories to life. And I felt as though I had found my calling.

Through a longer story than I'd like to tell I ended up with an application to the Los Angeles Film School. It was everything I could dream. twenty four seven eat, sleep, breathe film. Learning how to operate camera's, working with actors, writing scripts, producing my very own short films. I could have died when I got accepted.

Through a much longer story than I'd like to tell.... my loans were not approved (that means I couldn't pay for it). Fail.

The night I realized I had hit a dead end after trying every route possible to make this Film School thing happen I jumped into my car and took off. I didn't know where I was going, or what I was going to do ... but I knew it was going to involve alcohol.

Thank the dear sweet Lord for good friends who happen to make an entrance at the most convenient moments in life. Before I was able to make it to a bar by myself, who knows where, and without any common sense residing in my head a friend just so happened to be going out with another group of friends to a bar.

It also just so happens that I happen to be one of the lightest weights when it comes to drinking (since I am not one to drink much anyways). Which fortunately makes it very possible for me to get next to trashed without even spending nearly ten dollars. In my financial state this was very good news. Things were looking up.

The next morning arrived with a bright shining sun, and a beautiful head ache. The sun had never exactly been my friend, but this morning it was pushing my boundaries of patience. Yet, I still managed to make it out of bed, and to a very important coffee date.

In life, there is generally that one wise friend who, in a very simple manner, could somehow manage to make solving the secret of the universe look as easy pouring a cup of coffee in the morning.

That friend to me as this point in my life was George. I sat cradling my coffee cup in the palms of my hands as though it were a nugget of precious gold and explained, in dramatic detail, my recent tragedy, and loss.

Within moments the wisdom I'd hoped for made a grand entrance.

"You know, having a degree and security is safe. And the normal thing people do. But, sometimes it's worth stepping out into the unknown and going against what people expect of you, and norm, and just seeing what happens. Do something a little wild, and crazy, plenty of people have ended up successful that way". He suggested so casually....

And it made so much sense. Maybe it wouldn't make sense to everyone, some cannot seem to survive without a thousand pages of homework due the very next day almost every day.

But, for me, it made so much sense and I'll tell you why; My whole life I have been the black sheep. Don't get me wrong I loved it. But I have. I've always been the wild card of a particular group, and thought a little differently, and frequently made my family nervous with my life decisions.

But, what it came down to, was that I realized didn't feel the pressure to achieve the degree in order to get what I wanted out of life. It suddenly didn't feel right anymore to let life have such control over me. I am Melissa. I am strong, and I work hard for what I want, and in this case it wasn't going to happen through school so I needed to suck it up and find my alternate route - be the wild card.

I wish you all a George in your life.

The Final Verdict.

I got home after attaining the key to the universe and thought hard about my recent failure of a life - and how I was going to now grab life by the balls and demand my refund.

I sat and began writing down a list of things I had always wanted to do, but was always unable to due to being tied down by school, and work in order to pay for school and various parking tickets.

And I realized - I want to do a lot of things.

And I'm young. And single. How long will it be before I will never be able to just jump up off my couch and accomplish little, crazy goals?

And so I made a final decision; I was taking a year off of school.

Please do not tell anyone in my family of this decision, they are well under the influence that I am returning to junior college in the spring, and truth is really - I'd rather hang by the neck. Come spring - well, I guess I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

Anyways, goals. I decided that over the course of the next year I would go on a wild, and very unplanned journey through life accomplishing these goals.

So, I have set twelve goals. I toyed with the idea of listing all of them for you, reader, to glance over and anticipate what is to come of my next blog entry. But, I decided rather to toy with your minds instead and make each month a surprise.

I will have, by the end of each month (hopefully), accomplished a new goal off of my list. If you so desire to take this journey with me and follow along with my very exciting new journey, than by all means, follow along now with my blog, and I will, with great detail and new stories, write a new entry on just how I have accomplished my goal of the month.

And, I will end by saying; even though I will not give away the secrets of my new twelve step program, I will let you know that by the end of this blog I hope to be writing to you from my ultimate goal.... I hope to be sending off this blog from somewhere lost in the middle of Europe....

Until the end of December; Adieu, I am off now to pursue the deep, and candid desires of my dark heart.

"Throw myself back into the ocean, but it wouldn't take me back" - Quietdrive